Todays Lady

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

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We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."

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The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain.

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Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.

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Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.

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I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance -- a sharp, vindictive glance.

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Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.

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Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

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No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.

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Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

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Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl's best friend is still a nearsighted man.

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A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead. (Double Dynamite)

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The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby.

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Women want to be treated as equals, not sequels

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Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.

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Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.

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My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures. (Alfie, 1966)

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Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.

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Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

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Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. (Mississippi, 1935)

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No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.

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Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.

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There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

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One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything.

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Man has will, but woman has her way.

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Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

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The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.

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A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

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Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em.

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You can never tell what's in a woman's mind, And if she's from Harlem, there's no use o' tryin'

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Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.

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If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.

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The female sex has no greater fan than I, and I have the bills to prove it.

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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.

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Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

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Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

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I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.

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Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.

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Americans like fat books and thin women.

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Why should I limit myself to only one woman when I can have as many women as I want?

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When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

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Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.

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Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.

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